Freeze Your Brain a glee heathers au
by AspenHartley
Summary: By aspenhartley and funsizedforever :)
1. Fight For Me

A/N: leave a review if you like it OR let me and funsizedforever know what songs from Heathers we should feature in the next episode. Enjoy!

Puck POV

"Noah! Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah!" I have to refrain from rolling my eyes as I turn around to view my overly excited girlfriend.

"What's up, babe? And I already told you, stop calling me Noah. It's a crap name." I smile falsely at her as I go in to kiss her cheek.

"Noah is not a crap name. He saved the first people again after Adam and Eve's mistake. You should be grateful you have that name. Anyway, they just announced the school musical, and I am a shoo-in for the lead this year. It's such an honor, especially considering I'm only a junior. But what else should I expect from Mr. Schuester? After all, I am his favorite." Rachel is kind of a nutjob, but ever since Finn and Rachel broke up after Sectionals, we've been together. Plus, she's smokin', even though her ta-tas aren't as big as Santana's and she won't put out.

"What is it?"

"Oh, it's a brand new one that's off-Broadway called Heathers. It tells the story of three queen bees who take a nerd under their wing, who then dates the new kid, who ends up to be a psychopathic killer." After a small pause, Rachel continues. "Isn't it poetic?"

"Yeah, sounds great. But, Rachel, the musical is for pansies only. There's no way I'm going to do it with you."

"Noah Puckerman! You'd be a perfect J.D., not to mention you missed Rocky Horror, along with the fact that this is our only chance to sing together this year!"

"Look, Rachel, you aren't going to convince me to do Heathens the Musical with you or whatever. I'm a badass. And badasses don't do musicals. Maybe if it was as something as hardcore as Rocky Horror I'd reconsider." As I turn to walk down the hall, I hear Rachel call after me.

"But J.D. is a badass! He kills people! And he blows up his school! Anyway, if Finn gets the lead I have to perform a sex scene with him. Will you still not do the musical then?" I almost laugh at the pleased look on Rachel's face. She thinks she's outsmarted the Puckasaurus? The sex shark? Boy, is she wrong.

"Especially for that reason. I'd laugh so hard that they'd have to kick me out of the play. Besides, you honestly think I'd be jealous of Frankenteen? Fat. Chance. See ya, Jewish-American Princess." I strut down the hallway, leaving Rachel in the dust.

Mr. Schue POV

Some people may say that the choice of Heathers as the school musical is insane and controversial. And they're not exactly wrong. But it also kind of represents the hardships that Glee Club goes through, and it has enough sex appeal to attract the student body.

Today's audition day. I'm slightly nervous to see what the kids will be singing. I told them they could sing a song from the show, or Journey songs. I'm assuming they'll choose songs from the show, which was my ultimate goal, but I wanted to give them a choice.

I look at the audition list to call out the first name. "Quinn Fabray?" The blonde walks out with Santana and Brittany behind her. Why am I not surprised?

"Mr. Schue, Santana, Britts, and I would like to do a trio audition for the roles of Heather Chandler, Heather Duke, and Heather McNamara. I'll be auditioning for Heather Chandler, Santana for Heather Duke, and Brittany for Heather McNamara. We'll be singing 'Candy Store.'"

Santana steps to the front of the stage. "Now presenting, the Unholy Trinity." The girls get into position and the music starts playing. I figure I don't have much of an option to object. Even so, the girls kill the Heather roles, and I know that I'm going to give them the parts before the song is over. Besides, I've heard rumors about Santana having razors in her hair, and I know she would threaten me with those and get Sue to try to shut down the Glee Club again if I didn't give them the parts.

Before I can call out another name to audition, Rachel walks onto the stage.

"Mr. Schue. As you know, my name is Rachel Berry, and today I will be auditioning for the role of Veronica Sawyer, singing the melodious tune of 'Seventeen.'" Rachel takes her place onstage and she kills it. Just like she knew she would. Rachel's talented, and she deserves Veronica, but sometimes she's full of herself. Nevertheless, she's the only option for the role. If I want to stay true to character, which I do. Another role down, eleven leads to go.

"Kurt Hummel!" I call out to the empty auditorium. The boy walks out wearing his 'Pink Houses' outfit from last year and says, "Hey. I'm Kurt. Kurt Hummel. Today I'll be trying out for JD. And I'll be singing 'Wheel in the Sky' by Journey." The music starts and Kurt takes his place. He seems somewhat uncomfortable during the song, sometimes stopping himself from doing the shimmy or the finger wag. When he finishes singing, I call him up to see me.

"Kurt, are you sure you want the part of JD?" I ask him. I feel bad for asking, but I needed to be honest if this was going to be a good production. Or seem even slightly realistic.

"Mr. Schue, if I ever want to get into a theater school, I need to be a diverse actor! Playing JD will just help me accomplish that." Seeing the look on my face, he continues, "But I guess I don't really want to be JD. Is there another part I could have wear I don't have to dress slightly like Finn or have stage sex with a female?" I have to laugh at the expression on Kurt's face, just because I know how unlike Kurt this is. Suddenly, an idea pops into my head.

"You know what Kurt, I think I might just have the part for you. But you're going to need to find another boy to play his 'partner.' And, as an FYI, these boys would be jocks." I smile at Kurt and he starts to jump up and down excitedly.

"Oh, this is perfect! Blaine was thinking of transferring schools so that he could go to Nationals and now he could be in the musical as my partner? I'll contact him right away Mr. Schue." Kurt skips out of the auditorium and I smile. Kurt and Ram are out of my hair!

To be honest, the people in the play aren't going to be all kids. I think that some of the emotional depth would go over their heads and I cast myself as JD's dad, Emma will be Mrs. Fleming, the guidance counselor, and Sue will be Principal Gowan. That's nine leads down.

Auditions go quickly after that, the only person really standing out being Mercedes, who sings 'Kindergarten Boyfriend.' She'll definitely be Martha Dunnstock, Veronica's best friend. There's only one person left to audition. "Finn Hudson!"

Finn walks out somewhat awkwardly. "Mr. Schue. Obviously I'm here to try out for the musical, but I have no specific role to try out for. I'll be singing 'Freeze Your Brain.'"

Finn starts to sing and I know I have to cast him as JD.

I post the cast list the next day. It goes as follows:

VERONICA SAWYER: Rachel Berry

JASON DEAN: Finn Hudson

HEATHER CHANDLER: Quinn Fabray

MARTHA DUNNSTOCK: Mercedes Jones

HEATHER McNAMARA: Brittany Pierce

HEATHER DUKE: Santana Lopez

KURT KELLY: Kurt Hummel

RAM SWEENEY: Blaine Anderson

PAULINE FLEMING: Emma Pillsbury

PRINCIPAL GOWAN: Sue Sylvester

SHAUN DEAN: Will Schuester

MR. SWEENEY: Mike Chang

MR. KELLY: Sam Evans

MR. SAWYER: Artie Abrams

MRS. SAWYER: Sugar Motta

Everyone looks pleased with their parts. People who don't have a named role are extras, and are promised understudies to leads. Tina will be understudying Mercedes and Rory will be understudying Finn. They're given a day for their first rehearsal, and just like that, the musical si up and running.

Rachel POV

Today is our first rehearsal for Heathers, and I must say, I'm awfully pleased with the cast list. The only thing I'm worried about is the risqué decision of casting Finn as JD. After all, in the song 'Dead Girl Walking,' Veronica demands that JD take her virginity and they have stage sex. Plus, I'm almost positive that Finn and I have unresolved sexual chemistry that might just ruin the whole scene. But that might just be me, considering Finn barely talks to me anymore.

When I walk into the auditorium, rehearsal is just about to begin.

"Rachel, perfect timing. We were just about to start without you." Mr. Schuester says sheepishly, "But since you're here, why don't we start with you and Finn? Let's run 'Dead Girl Walking' from the top. Feel free to interpret it your way, include the necessary elements, and then we'll see what our choreographer thinks of it." Mr. Schue finishes, pointing his thumb to the side at Mike Chang.

"Alright, Mr. Schue…" I slowly say. I don't need my script, I've had the musical memorized since I heard about it, but I am surprised when Finn leaves his script as well.

However, we move past that and start the song. It goes off without a hitch- until...

"No more talking…" I sing. After the next line. It was time for that moment. I wasn't ready for it.

"Cut the music. Cut the- CUT THE MUSIC! Mr. Schuester?" I raise my hand, and button my shirt. The band stops playing. "Mr. Schue, I don't know if I'm comfortable with the choreography and song subject." I had to grind on Finn. It was going to be even more uncomfortable to do in front of an entire crowd.

"Rachel," Santana spits from her seat. "You sang 'With You I'm Born Again' in a nun costume. While your current boyfriend was dressed as a priest. How is having stage sex half-naked with your ex-boyfriend any-"

"Santana, sit," Mr. Schuester replies. He walks up to me on stage and says to me quietly: "If you want this lead role, and lead roles in the future, you're going to have to be comfortable with this kind of choreography. I know, it's a little extreme and suggestive for the high school level. But, it what you guys wanted, and what you guys got."

I thought about it. Did I really want the lead role? Yes. Did I really want hundreds of people watching me perform an act with my ex-boyfriend that's supposed to be private? Not really. But Mr. Schue was right. He smiled and went back down to sit at his seat.

"Ok, let's take it from 'No sleep tonight for you…"

I walk back to the platform on the stage, and get into my spot. I take a deep breath, preparing my body for what was about to happen.

"No sleep tonight for you! Better drink that Mountain Dew!"

"Ok, ok."

"Get your ass in gear, make this whole town disappear." I take a breath, getting ready for the next lines, while focusing my ears on the sound of Finn's cue. But he didn't say anything. It looked at him as Finn, not J.D. He didn't want this. The auditorium quieted down. Everyone could hear a quiet whisper.

"Mailman, mailman, mailman." It's coming from Finn. His eyes were squeezed tight and he was sweating. I tapped his shoulder, I could feel everyone's eyes on us. I started tapping him even faster.

"Finn!" I yell. He opens his eyes, I can feel him shaking. He quickly gets up and off of the platform and runs off the stage in record time. Just before he reaches the stairs leading to the doors.

"Finn!" Mr. Schuester yells. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Well, not this scene! Or Rachel!"

"Wanky," I can hear Santana mutter.

Finn always says awkward stuff when he's nervous or stressed. This time it was both. What he was saying was super awkward.

"I'm really not comfortable with this, Mr. Schue. I'm sorry, I know I'm letting you down. We all know that even though I got the role, I wouldn't be able to put through with it. I can't do this. If Rachel wasn't my ex-girlfriend, it would be a lot better. That doesn't mean it would be easier, though. But since she's not my girlfriend, it fricking sucks!"

After Finn finishes talking, I know I have to intervene.

"Finn Christopher Hudson. You get your ass back on this stage, and you get it here now!" I see Finn turn around slowly with a terrified look in his eyes as he walks back to the stage, defeated. When he reaches me, I whisper, "I know, this is horrible and awkward for the both of us, but we'll just have to deal with it." He looks at me with concern. "It's called acting for a reason." I finish harshly.

"Ok… um," Mr. Schue pauses. He quietly laughs nervously. "From the top!"

Finn's POV

I open my locker and gather up my books. I put them into my backpack. I'm focused on getting out of this hell as soon as possible. I've never been so humiliated in my life. Well… there was that time when Quinn got pregnant and everyone thought I was the dad. Or the fact that Santana was my first and not Rachel.

Okay, so maybe this wasn't as bad at those other times, but it was still bad. Like I was mutilated in the auditorium. At least I think that's the right word… Maybe it was humiliated?

Just as I close my locker, I see that there has been someone standing next to me the entire time. It's Rachel, of course.

"Hi, Finn," she says. She looks a little nervous, obviously. Still smiling though. You see, the thing is, when Rachel and I "break-up" or "have a fight", when we come in contact at times around those events, it's sometimes really awkward. Other times, we just enjoy each other's company. This is one of those 'really awkward' times.

"Rachel." I greet her, and her smile dims slightly, but then goes back to normal. I never get why girls do that. Are they upset, or have they just been smiling too long and need to take a break? It makes no sense.

"I want to talk about this scene, I know-"

"No," I interrupt. "I just think that we should think about this for ourselves. Then, we can talk later. It's gonna be really weird for us up there, but remember when we performed 'Push It' at the assembly? Just act like we're doing that." She laughs at my joke, and I know that we're most likely on good terms.

Just when I thought that this whole "stage sex" thing was resolved, Rick the Stick, the douchiest bag of them all, walks up to Rachel and I.

"Hey perv," he directs towards me. "I'm gonna buy a ticket to that Heathens show just so i can watch you sloppily hump your girlfriend in front of thousands of people."

Rachel blushes out of embarrassment. I'm not okay with this, and neither is Rachel. I speak up.

"Hey, dude, that's not okay. Rachel is with Puck now, that's not what's going on here."

Rick smirks. "Oh really?" Suddenly, he takes out his phone and pulls up a video. It turns out that Rick got my whole freak-out on video. Now I'm mad.

"You jackass!" I pounce at him and we begin to smack each other.

Rachel POV

You know, I always had fantasies of Finn fighting for my honor, but while we were dating, an opportunity never came up. Or they did, and he never acted upon them. Of course, now that we're broken up, a new musical has started, and I'm dating Noah, the opportunity does come up and he takes action. And no matter how much it hurt when he told Rick that we weren't dating, it's true, so I shouldn't be upset about it. Nevertheless, Finn looks extremely attractive right now, fighting for me and all, and I just…

All of a sudden I hear students start to sing around me.

"Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit!"

As I watch Finn and Rick fight, and I listen to the other students singing, I suddenly have an urge to as well. It's like everything goes into slow motion when I start singing.

"Why when you see boys fight

Does it look so horrible

Yet... feel so right?

I shouldn't watch this crap

That's not who I am

But with this kid…

Damn…"

Finn continues to fight, and it's like I'm seeing a new person. I've never seen this side of him.

"Hey, mister no-name kid,

So who might you be?

And could you fight for me?

Hey, could you face the crowd?

Could you be seen with me and still act proud?

Hey, could you hold my hand?

And could you carry me through no man's land?

It's fine if you don't agree,

But I would fight for you,

If you would fight for me…"

Finn gets hit by Rick hard, and I have to wince. I just want to take him home and take care of him at this point.

"Let them drive us underground,

I don't care how far,

You can set my broken bones and I know... CPR."

Finn gets up from his hit and tackles Rick. I should not be condoning this violence, but…

"Well, whoa, you can punch real good,

You've lasted longer than I thought you would,

So hey, mister no-name kid,

If some night you're free,

Wanna fight for me?

If you're still alive,

I would fight for you,

If you would fight for me!"

As I hold out the note, the students surrounding me start singing again.

"Holy shit

Holy shit

Holy shit

Holy SHIIIIIIIIT!"

Everything resumes to normal speed.

Finn staggers away, leaving Rick on the floor.

"Come on, Rachel." He calls bitterly as he walks away. After a moment of sitting in shock, I scurry after him.

"Finn, why would you do that for me?" I ask him as I reach his side.

"I realized that when we were dating, I barely did anything to stand up for you. We're not dating now, but we're still friends, so I still have opportunities to stand up for you. Now I know how to. I'm sorry if what I did today was uncool, but I lost it when I saw your face. I've seen that face way too many times before, and I haven't done anything about it until now." Finn looks at me with a sad expression, but a familiar half smile stays on his face. He puts his hand on my face for a moment, and starts to walk away.

"Wait." I grab his wrist to stop him from walking away. "You look like you could use a friend right now to clean you up. Am I right?"

"You might be." Finn smiles at me and together we walk to his car.

It's later that night, after I've helped Finn and we're just hanging out, when Finn and I are watching Sue's Corner, that the problems start.

"Western Ohio, do I have a doozy for you. I recently discovered that William McKinley will be putting on the show Heathers, a show that promotes murder, suicide, sex, and all around violence."

As Finn is just about to put his arm around me, his phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket. It's a text from Puck.

Bro turn on the news. sues corners is doing a story on ur heathens show!

He snorts as his eyes glide over the screen. "He is never going to get that right, is he?"

"Probably not." I say, smiling at him. I think back to what happened a minute ago. Finn was about to put his arm around me. And I'm still dating Noah. I'm not proud of my mistakes, but I have learned from them. I stare back at the TV to attempt to get my mind off of the matter.

Sue clears her throat.

"Not only does it show these monstrous subjects, but William Schuester, the director of this show, is exploiting teen sexuality AGAIN!" A clip of our "Push It" performance plays in the top right corner. "This show shows that Butt-Chin Schuester is a perverted pedophile who uses his role as leader to his advantage. And that's how Sue… C's it!"

I turn my head to Finn, his eyes wide open. He looks at me.

"...what's a… what's a ped-a… pedophile?" I really didn't want to have to tell him this.

"Just do me a favor and google it, okay?" He nods his head.

He turns on his phone and types in the word. He gasps and looks at me with the same wide eyes. He grabs the remote from where it sits between us, and turns off the TV, just as Sue explains how the musical is based of a R-rated movie. I roll my eyes. I guess she wasn't done after all. You can never tell with Sue.

"We have to call Mr. Schue," he says, in a serious tone for Finn.

"No, Finn, it's okay. Sue is infamous for over-exaggerating the details of events, but most for lying about them." He chuckles, but then stops. I can tell something is still bothering him, and he starts talking again.

"Seriously. I know that Sue has said some pretty B.S. stuff about Mr. Schue, but information like this could get him into huge trouble. Like he could be expelled- I mean fired- or something."

I play around with this possibility for a couple seconds, then I realize how true this really is. *"If you say so," I said. I smile at Finn, and he smiles at me, and for a couple seconds it seems like everything may turn out alright after all.

Finn POV

The next day, Rachel and I have made plans to meet up before school and tell Mr. Schue about last night's Sue's Corner. But as soon as we reach the choir room and say hi to Mr. Schue, he's called to Figgins' office.

"Oh crap." Is all I have to say.

"How eloquent." Rachel remarks. "Finn, snap out of it! We have to help Mr. Schue get out of this."

I do snap out of it, and Rachel and I run after Mr. Schue, bursting into the office.

Principal Figgins is already talking. I never could figure out his accent. "William, I just don't think it appropriate for fornication to happen onstage, not including the gun violence, and-"

"Principal Figgins!" Rachel yells, interrupting him. "You must understand, that is not what Heathers is all about, that is just what Sue is implying it to be about. Heathers is also the story of McKinley, and other high schools all around the world. We have a Kurt and a Ram- Azimio and Karofsky. And we have our own Heathers, the Cheerios. Not to mention, there's always going to be a Martha Dunnstock, and even a Veronica. And, yes, while JD's aren't as common, they are still out there. We need to do this show to promote awareness about these people, so that someone takes action." Rachel finishes, and looks at me for backup.

"Yeah, what Rachel said." Rachel groans, so I guess that means I should continue. "I mean, Puck and I could have even been considered Kurt and Ram if it wasn't for Glee Club. Not because we're gay or anything, but because we were jerks. And we thought it was okay. Music can change other people's lives, like it changed ours, through this musical because they can relate to it. They can see that there is hope, and that maybe Glee doesn't suck ass as much as they think it does. Plus, didn't Take in the Children write a song about school shooting? 'Pumped Up Shoes' or something like that."

"You mean Foster the People and 'Pumped Up Kicks,' but you're exactly right. No one yelled at people for singing that song when it came out, which dealt with the same subject."

"Fine!" Figgins yells. "You can have your musical, but I will not be held responsible if there's backlash. Are we clear, William, small Jewish girl known as Rachel Berry, and Finn Hudson, quarterback of the football team?"

"Yes, Principal Figgins, thank you so much for your consideration." Rachel smiles at Figgins, and we walk out of his office together,

As soon as we're down the hallway, Rachel wraps her arms around my neck. After a couple seconds, she quickly lets go. It's like she was shocked or something.

As soon as the moment passes, her rapid-fire talking begins again.

"Finn, you were fantastic. I really think your arguments won him over."

"No, Rach, that was all you. It was like you were Hillary Clinton."

"I prefer Michelle Obama, due to the personal connection that she is African American and one of my dad's is black, but thank you nonetheless."

We smile at each other for a minute, before I awkwardly start talking again.

"So, I guess I'll see you at rehearsal or something?"

"Yeah, I guess you will." Rachel waves at me and starts to walk away. And there's a lot I still want to say to her, like a lot, but since she's with Puck and everything now, it probably wouldn't be that cool.

But, here's my big secret: I want Rachel Berry back. And by the time this show is over, I'm going to have her as my girlfriend again, or else my name isn't Finn Christopher Hudson.

*I'M SO SORRY FINCHEL/MONCHELE SHIPPERS


	2. Big Fun

A/N: hey guys! funsizedforever and I are back with another chapter of Freeze Your Brain! We really hope all of you are enjoying it so far :). Leave us a comment in the review section or in our IM's. Enjoy!

Buttchin Mr. Schue's POV

Another "F", I think to myself. Yesterday, I had given my 6th period Spanish class their los indirectos complementos quiz. Most of them did poorly. I think that the way I taught this subject is quite effective. My song about these indirect objects to the tune of La Cucaracha was catchy, an earworm. It would have helped my students much more if they actually listened. I gave out a lot of detentions this week for various reasons…

Just as I touch my red pen Puckerman's quiz (probably another F), a few static scratches escape from the P.A. catch my attention. I stare at the speaker, like it's going to move or something.

Principal Figgins clears his throat before he begins his announcement. "William Schuster… and-" I already know what name is going to follow mine. "-and Sue Sylvester." Knew it. "Please report to my office IMMEDIATELY!"

Not only did I know who I was going to talk to Figgins with, but I also knew what this was going to be about. Sue's Corner. Sue and her horrific comments on Heathers. I was not able to view the report first-hand, nor hear everything she said. However, from what Finn and Rachel told me, I had a pretty good idea of how damaging this report could be to our show.

As I walk to the office, I pass Finn and Rachel at Finn's locker. Rachel notices me and runs up to me. She walks with me as I continue on.

"Mr. Schuster? Is this about our production? I can come with you if you-"

"No, Rachel, it's fine. Things like this always happen with Sue and Figgins. It'll work out fine, just give me half an hour." Finn catches up with Rachel and me.

"Mr. Schue, what if they don't let us do Heathers at school? What will we do then?" I never really thought of this circumstance. Sue has gotten me into a lot of trouble before, but she made some of the harshest comments ever towards me during that report. Exploiting teen sexuality? Me being a convicted pedophile? Those were just wrong. Unacceptable.

"Well, Finn. I'm definitely not going to change the musical." Rachel lets out a quiet cheer. The three of us pass Emma in the hallway. I smile.

"Maybe," I continue, "we could find another auditorium to perform at. The music in this show suits our variety of personalities and voice types too well. Sue might be able to take our auditorium away, but not our show." When I finish this statement, we are at Figgins' door.

"Good luck, Mr. Schue," Rachel tells me in a strangely serious way.

"Thank you, Rachel," I say with a fake, sort-of-sympathetic smile.

I take a breath, adjust my tie, and walk in. Sue is already there when I arrive.

"Huh-hey! Pervert Pants! Nice to see ya!" She gets up from her chair and playfully punches my arm. "Now we all know why you wanted my Cheerios in your stupid little choir!"

"Enough Sue!" Higgins cuts her off. He clears his throat again, just like he did over the P.A.

"Ah, William Schuster," he begins. "I talked to my pastor about you, again. Sue told me about your stage shenanigans for this new Heaters show you are doing with your glee club. She informed me about your true intentions for this show! After consulting with my parish on this matter, I'd like to let you know this is not an appropriate show for our students to perform! The content in this program is a disgrace to McKinley. It puts shame to the entirety of Lima, of Western Ohio! I will not let our students rub each other's lower halves on each other! They cannot depict intercourse!I will not let them say such vulgar languages and sing such disgusting lyrics in front of hundreds of people! You change the show or I fire you!"

"Principal Figgins," I start calmly, "I believe Sue has given you, and Western Ohio, the wrong idea about our show. Yes, I know you're worried about some of the dialogue and songs in the show, but I'll let you know that we've made some changes to make it more school appropriate. We cut out a couple songs and replaced them with a few simple lines that still get the idea across. We changed out some of the swears so it's not as 'vulgar.' However, we can't cut out Dead Girl Walking, the number including the section you are most concerned about." I look over at Sue after saying this, she is rolling her eyes in my direction. I reply with the same response.

"Figgins, I can assure you that the choreography is planned out quite strategically. It may look like it, but Finn and Rachel will not be having actual sex on stage." Sue jumps up from her corner and points at me with great alarm.

"SEX! HE SAID THE WORD SEX AND USED IT IN TERMS OF TALKING ABOUT MINORS! PERVERT! PEDOPHILE! FIRE THIS MAN AND PUT HIS ASS IN JAIL!"

"SUE THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!" Figgins shouts.

"William, I am trusting you on this one." Sue lets out a huge grunt.

Figgins tries to say this next line in a lower tone, but fails to do so. "Honestly? I generally trust you more in these things."

"Principal Figgins!" Sue objects.

"Sue, it seems like you have over-exaggerated some problems in this show. That is not okay for you to do! William will be able to do this show."

"But! Have you seen-"

"Now get the hell out of my office."

"That is MY thing!"

"Go! Shoo!" He moves his hand in a swatting motion, attempting to swat away the headache-inducing pest that is Sue Sylvester.

I am worried that Sue was going to go into one of her rages, but thankfully she didn't. Only a few papers and a lamp were misplaced. No students or faculty members were harmed in the making of this rage (thank the Lord).

When Sue finally leaves, Figgins clears his throat again, signaling that he has another thing to tell me.

"William, I want you to be happy with my decision, BUT you must keep in mind this is my decision. I will let you do the show. However, this is one condition. Before you premiere this program, you must perform it for me so I can thoroughly approve it."

"Principal Figgins, wouldn't it make more sense for you to watch it earlier before opening night? It would kill me to put my students through all that hard work and dedication and end up not performing even a second of it."

"William, don't push me! You are lucky I am letting you keep Dead Girl Running!" I think about this condition for a few seconds. Honestly, it doesn't seem too horrible.

"Okay, deal." I shake his hand and get up from the chair.

"Good luck, William!" he wishes me as I leave the office.

Rachel and Finn are right outside the door when I walk out.

"How'd it go, Mr. Schue," Rachel blabs.

I smirk, excited to give her the news she wants to hear.

"Be in the auditorium in 20 minutes. Rehearsal until 5:00." I begin to return to my Spanish classroom, ready to face another myriad of F's.

I hear Rachel exclaim, "He did it!" to Finn as I turn the corner. Puck passes me by, I wonder where he's going.

Emma POV

I'm sitting in my office, when all of a sudden Noah "Puck" Puckerman comes in. To say the least, I'm shocked and yet somewhat ecstatic. This is the first time someone has come to me since Finn and Rachel broke up. I think most people assume it was my fault, but I'm honestly not a panther, or whatever people are calling it these days, and my OCD isn't that attractive, so I don't know why they think that.

But Puck's visit was not what I was expecting from him.

"I'm worried because my man, Finn, and my girl, Rachel, are pretending to... do the dirty in Heathens, and even though I'm a sex shark and could have any girl I want, Rachel and I are 'exclusive' and shit." Puck smirks at me as he finishes, but it quickly slides off of his face.

"First of all, I think the show is called Heathers, but a valiant effort, Puckerman. Second, we only use encouraging words in my office, no cursing aloud, so please refrain from speaking in that tone from now on. Finally, would you like a pamphlet to help you with this issue?"

"No, Ms. P, I came to the guidance counselor for help, so I would like to talk to the guidance counselor." He looks down in incredulity at 'So You're Afraid Sexual Stage Chemistry Will Be Too Much For You.' I personally think the premium price I paid for it was definitely worth it, the content is so calming and informative.

"Well," I start, pulling the pamphlet back, "if Rachel really cares about you, she'll tell you if, and I mean if, she feels anything for Finn, or if anything happens with him. When you're in a committed relationship, you have to trust your partner in every way possible, even if they are withholding… intercourse and other... actions."

"Yeah, but Rachel is also saying weird crap while we're making out, like sometimes I swear she says 'tenderoni.' What the hell is a tenderoni?"

"Well, from my knowledge, a tenderoni is a younger lover and a reference to the Michael Jackson song 'P.Y.T.' Does this help clarify?"

"Yeah, thanks. You know, I think this guidance session might have actually helped me. I should probably go talk to Rachel or something now." Puck smiles at me and walks out of my office. I hope I actually helped him and he's not just lying to me, but who can say when it comes to him.

Rachel's POV

Where is he? I think to myself. I had asked Noah to meet me in the parking lot so he could drive me home. He drove me to school this morning, so obviously I would need him to drive me back.

The car ride this morning was kind of awkward. We usually talk, well, I usually talk and he listens. I talk a lot. I've been talking about Heathers lately. But he said he didn't mind, and I gave him the opportunity to try out with me, but he didn't want to. That's his choice, and I respect that choice.

Finally, I see Noah running out of McKinley, in the pouring rain, with his jacket held tightly over his head.

"Noah, what are you doing? You could catch pneumonia and die, now is that what you want?" Normally Noah would laugh at me and make fun of how over dramatic I am, but today he just stares at me.

"I went to see Ms. Pillsbury today because of your show, Heathens."

"Heathers," I automatically correct him, "and why would you have a reason to go see her about it?"

"Because, Berry, I don't feel that comfortable with you getting your mack on with Finn all the time!"

"Noah, you have no right to be angry with me. I gave you the opportunity to try out, I tried so hard to convince you that JD was a badass and you should try out, but you didn't listen to me. Who's at fault here now?"

"Look, Rachel, I know what I did before, but my feelings have changed since then. Sue me."

"Noah, I swear on all that is holy if you say that you'll break up with me if I don't quit the play I will murder you."

"Sorry, Rachel. But could we pause this argument so that we could make out? Angry you is like, really hot…"

I sigh in reluctance as he lunges at me, and I can tell things are going to be different than normal. He quickly takes off his shirt, and I follow suit, leaving me in my bra. It's awkward, being this exposed with Noah PUCKERMAN. I always thought Finn would be my first.

We strip more and more, until we're both down to our underwear. Puck- Noah- stops suddenly.

"Rachel, I can't do this to you. It's not fair. I think we should stop, get dressed, and then I think that we should break up." I sit up slowly, shocked at what Noah has just said.

"Are you serious?"

"Damn right I'm serious. Look, Rachel, I like you when you're not talking about yourself all the time and you're not staring at Finn. It's annoying as hell when you do those two things, and honestly, since Heathers started, you've been doing both more often. Much as I hate to admit it, I was never going to get into your pants because you thought it would it would be betraying Finn, who you're not even dating. Besides, Santana has better boobs. Finn and I both know it." I honestly think Puck is saying these things just to make it seem like he's OK, and to hurt me, and while it's working, I won't back down.

"Very well, Puck. I guess I'll see you later, then. Maybe after the baseball game, at the party at Santana's. Maybe I'll finally understand what about those fake boobs mesmerizes you so." With that, I open the car door and slam it before he can hear my sobs.

Finn POV

It's our fourth game of the season for baseball, and we've won all of them. I feel like I'm on Cloud Nine with the musical, how well things are going with Rachel, and everything.

The guys convinced me to go to Santana's party, even though I won't have that much of a good time. Not if Rachel and Puck are making out the whole time, but Rachel has a thing about PDA in front of the Cheerios so maybe I won't have to see that gross crap.

•••

I get to the party and I can automatically tell something is different than normal. I can hear chants of "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!" and it's like 10:00. The party only could have started half an hour ago.

Then I hear a drunken call of a voice I recognize all too well.

"Finny!" Rachel leans on the doorframe and waits for me to get closer before running down the driveway to meet me. She gives me a big hug once we reach each other. "Did you hear the big gossip? Noah broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him, but I would have it with you." The petrified look on my face must say it all because Rachel bursts out laughing when she sees it.

"Not like making-a-baby sex, silly. Like, 'Dead Girl Walking' fake sex. Isn't it funny that there are two kinds of sex and one is real but emotions in it can be fake and the other is fake but emotions in it can be real? Crazy." After her shocking idea, Rachel plops down on the ground.

"Rachel are you OK?"

"No, not really. I mean. Yes. No. Not at all, actually. Noah said he broke up with me because I talked too much about myself, and I wouldn't put out, and Santana has bigger boobs, even though they're fake, and you both knew that Santana has bigger boobs than me, which is why you both broke up with me!" Rachel leans over and throws up after her rant and then she starts crying. And all I can do is sit there and pull her close and rub her back.

"Rachel, that is not why I broke up with you at all. Actually, I was kind of stupid to break up with you, but I want you to listen to me. We're going to go back in the party, right, and then you're going to show them you don't need a man to be your own special brand of kickass. OK?" I see Rachel smile up at me slowly, and I smile back at her.

We enter the room, and music starts just before Blaine begins to sing.

"Dad says 'Act your age.'

You heard it man, it's time to rage!"

Quickly, everyone at the party chimes in.

"Blast the bass, turn out the light

Ain't nobody home tonight!"

Kurt comes in next, and it's really weird, because he's acting like a 'manly-man.'

"Drink, smoke, it's all cool.

Let's get naked in my pool!"

Everyone is running around screaming random words in sync and it's crazy, but Rachel quickly gets swept up in it.

"Punch the wall and start a fight!

Ain't nobody home tonight!"

Kurt points to Brittany and sings to her.

"His folks got a waterbed.

Come upstairs and rest your head."

Blaine puts his arm around Rachel and she laughs before pushing him off, luckily.

"Let's rub each other's backs

while watching porn on Cinemax!"

Suddenly, people start singing a tune so catchy I even join in.

"The folks are gone,

it's time for big fun! Big fun!

We're up till dawn

having some big fun! Big fun!

When mom and dad forget

to lock the liquor cabinet,

it's big fun! Big fun!"

All of a sudden I see Rachel trying to give and take body shots. As mad as I am, it's really hot. And I can sort of hear her talking.

"So wait, it's lime, then salt, then shot?"

Brittany tries to help Rachel next, "No, salt, then-"

Quinn interrupts her, being the bitch that she is. "You're doing it wrong!"

Rachel looks so innocent as she speaks again. "Really? 'Cause I feel great."

All of a sudden, one of the stupid water polo guys walks by Rachel and smiles at her. "Rachel, you're looking good tonight!"

Rachel starts singing again, and it makes me see red.

"Whoa.

A hot guy smiled at me,

without a trace of mockery!"

I see people standing around me with joints as they sing again.

"Everyone's high as a kite,

ain't nobody home tonight!"

Rachel stumbles around the Lopez's house, and I wonder if I should take her home.

"Stoned. Zoned. I should quit...

Hey, is that weed? I want a hit."

People start to show Rachel how to roll her own joint.

"Fill that joint and roll it tight,

ain't nobody home tonight!"

Rachel starts singing again, and I finally see how bad high school has been for her. "Dreams are coming true

when people laugh but not at you!

I'm not alone! I'm not afraid!

I feel like Bono at Live Aid!"

I start singing again with the rest of the crowd, and I even grab a beer of my own. You only live once, right.

"The house is ours,

it's time for big fun!

Big fun!

Let's use their showers,

that sounds like

big fun! Big fun!

Crack open one more case!"

I see Rachel thoughtfully observing Santana and Puck making out with sad look on her face.

"I think that's what they call

'third base.'"

Everyone comes in again, not noticing Rachel.

"Big fun! Big fun! Big fun!"

Rachel gets distracted from her ex and smiles.

"That actually looks like-"

We all join in again.

"Big fun! Big fun! Big fun!"

Kurt holds up a pig pinata with a sign that says "Vocal Adrenaline." Then he shouts, "All right, people! What is McKinley gonna do to Vocal Adrenaline at Nationals?

Blaine starts to mime sex with the pinata, which is actually really weird, and I think illegal, and then he says, "Gonna make 'em go: Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!"

No one seems to see the problem in Blaine's actions, though, and get really excited again.

"Big fun! Big fun!"

I hear Santana yell over the singing as Blaine makes an inappropriate gesture to her. "Way to show maturity!"

People sing again.

"Big fun! Big fun!"

Blaine grabs Santana by the hips and does to her what he'd been doing to the pinata. Whoa, I thought Blaine was gay. I guess not.

Santana talks again, and she seems really uncomfortable. "Quit it jackass, get off of me!"

People continue to sing, "Big fun! Big fun!" Honestly, you think they'd get tired after awhile.

Of course, Rachel sees what's happening to Santana. Instead of leaving her to her fate, she yells to Blaine, who's in charge of border patrol. "Yo! Blaine! Emergency!

I just saw some freshman sneaking over the pool fence!"

Blaine suddenly looks like someone crawled up his ass. "I hate freshman! Where are you little pricks? I'm coming for you!"

Rachel puts her hand on Santana's shoulder. "You okay?"

Santana responds in normal fashion, "I didn't need your help." Then of course, to show she's even 'stronger,' she gives Rachel the finger.

Rachel comes up with the best response. "Aw, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don't need to vomit right now."

Everyone laughs and starts pointing to Rachel and singing.

"The party's hot, hot, hot.

It's time for big fun! Big fun!"

Kurt suddenly screams, "You need a jello shot!"

Yet again, I end up singing: "We're having big fun! Big fun!"

All of a sudden Mercedes walks in, and I get nervous with the way that Quinn, Santana, and Brittany are looking at her.

Quinn starts walking towards her, "Mercedes Jones, in the flesh."

Santana smirks and follows, "Here comes the Cootie Squad. We should-"

Quinn glares at her. "Shut up, Santana."

Santana looks immediately apologetic, and I'm surprised. I thought she had more spine. "Sorry, Quinn."

Brittany suddenly points to Rachel. "Look who's with her- Oh my God!"

They all start to sing.

"Dang! Dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!

Dang-dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!"

Rachel and Mercedes begin small talk. "I can't believe you actually came." Rachel starts.

"It's exciting, right? Excuse me, I want to say hello to Kurt. I brought sparkling cider." Watching Mercedes, I wonder if she still has a crush on Kurt. But I dismiss that thought quickly. It's weird enough I'm picking up on all of my surroundings like this.

Suddenly, I see Quinn with her queen bitch smirk on. "Showing up here took some guts. Time to rip them out."

Santana holds up the piñata. "Well, who does this pig remind you of? Especially the snout." This comment causes Brittany to stifle a laugh.

They start singing again.

"Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!"

Mercedes walks up to Kurt, who has been recruited to help find the freshmen Blaine was looking for. "Where the hell are those freshman?" Kurt says to Mercedes.

Then Mercedes says something that makes me pause. "Hi, Kurt. I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note…" And then she handed Kurt the sparkling cider she brought.

Unfortunately for Mercedes, Kurt is a very critical drunk. "What note? Why d'you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal." Kurt opens the cider, drinks it, then spits it back out. "There's no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me?"

Everyone starts to sing again after hearing Kurt and laughing at Mercedes heartbroken expression.

"Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang,

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang,

Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang,

Diggety-dang-a-dang!

The folks are gone,

it's time for big fun! Big fun!

We're up till dawn

having some big fun! Big fun!

So let the speakers blow,

they'll buy another stereo.

Our folks got no clue

'bout all the shit their children do.

Why are they surprised?

Whenever we're unsupervised,

it's big fun! Big fun!

Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! Whoo!"

By then, the party is finished and people are dispersing. I take a moment to let what just happened sink in. I realize that Rachel told me that Puck and she broke up, which means she's free. But I also realize that she will need time to get over the breakup. So I'll give her her space and see what happens, but I can't help but feel more optimistic after this. And slightly like a stalker after watching all these interactions between people. But more importantly, optimistic.


End file.
